Sheep – Part Three

This is the third and final part of Sheep.

Part One

Part Two

Written By Paul Mills

Sky TV studio, Rod Hamill, News Anchor:

Now we can cross back live to Gary Whymark outside Buckingham Palace…

Gary Whymark, Sky News reporter, central London.

Yes, Rod, dramatic developments. The zombie sheep are on the move again. The soldiers appear to be waiting for the order to open fire. Difficult to tell, but it’s possible the sheep are attempting a flanking manoeuvre here. Hang on…. Wow! High drama here, Rod. We have a group of people making their way across St James’s Park. I don’t know if we can show you this, Rod. They are completely stark naked apart from headbands and flowers in their hair. They are singing. They are holding placards. Hand-in-hand, they are positioning themselves between the sheep and the soldiers.

June 19

The Guardian newspaper:


Animal rights’ activists were hailed as heroes for putting their naked bodies on the line last night. Many of the activists were injured during an attempt to form a human shield around a flock of sheep near Buckingham Palace.

Speaking from her hospital bed, Animalz Have Rites2 co-leader Lizzie Langley, hailed the action as a victory for animal welfare.

“When you see a war crime about to take place, you have to put your own personal safety to one side,” said Lizzie. “There were lambs among that flock that would have been slaughtered. Someone has to speak up for the silent.”

She went on to criticise the army for an act of brutality that left many of the protesters badly wounded. Guardsmen were ordered to advance from their barricades and remove the protesters so the soldiers would have an open line of fire on the sheep. While some bystanders were shocked at the level of violence shown by the soldiers, others were heard cheering the soldiers on and shouting insults at the naked protesters. During the clash, the sheep began moving off down sidestreets and proceeded across Chelsea Bridge before spending the night at the Go Ape Adventure Centre in Battersea Park.

The Sun newspaper:


Crazy naked hippies ruin shombie showdown.


June 20. Facebook post. Keep Britain British:

Bomb the shombies.

Like and share if you agree.


June 20. Facebook post. Unilad:

Tag a mate who would shag a shombie.


The Sunday Mirror newspaper:


Speculation is mounting that the sheep crisis that continues to cripple the UK economy, may be the result of botched genetic engineering. Experts are understood to be investigating whether secret genome meddling may have gone drastically wrong and created Frankensheep.

Keep Britain British MP Rick Russell is pointing the finger at mad scientists. “We’ve got all kind of weirdos flooding into the country these days, including these foreign boffins with their quasi qualifications from tinpot Eastern European countries,” said Mr Russell. “It wouldn’t surprise me if some muppet with a syringe has created a bunch of Frankensheep.”  

Dr Lara Baxa, Head of Veterinary, Animal and Biomedical Sciences at Glasgow University, described Mr Russell’s comments as “unfortunate”.

June 21.

Sky News studio, London. Rod Hamill, News Anchor:

Now for the latest developments in the Zombie sheep crisis we can cross live to our eye in the sky reporter Gemma Fowler who is hovering over VodaStone. What do you see Gemma?

Vodafone Stonehenge, Gemma Fowler, Sky News Reporter:

Hi Rod, I am in a helicopter above one of this country’s most treasured and sacred sights, The Vodafone Stonehenge Complex, which has literally been invaded by thousands upon thousands of marauding zombie sheep. They are roving around and around these rocky relics that every English man and woman hold dear to their hearts. Like a bunch of unruly teenagers at a party, the shombies are defecating and desecrating, vandalising and dribbling over one of our most cherished monuments. I can see more and more of these crazed animals pouring into this orgy of defilement quite literally by the second. It is an extraordinary and outrageous…

Rod Hamill, News Anchor:

Thank you Gemma, we have to leave it there. When we come back after the break, an exclusive interview with the sole survivor of Big Brother Hunger Games edition.


11:30 Zombie sheep continue to pour into Wiltshire. Reports of mass gathering at VodaStone.

13:50 Roadblocks around VodaStone overrun. Sheep moving in clockwise direction around historic site. Numbers reported to be in millions.

14:20 A group of druids has been seen among the superflock at VodaStone.

15:30 All military units being redeployed to counter the massing of zombie sheep. Tanks, artillery in position. Soldiers setting up a cordon around the area.

17:00 Prime Minister in an emergency meeting with commander-in-chief of armed forces. Sources suggest PM weighing up “endgame” artillery offensive against possible destruction of VodaStone.

18:12 PM appears outside No.10. Announces he has given the army the green light to obliterate the sheep threat. “Sacred sites cannot be put before the lives of our children.”

18:30 Army announces it will commence offensive at 19:00 once resident and protester evacuations assured. Helicopters are flying over Vodafone warning the druids to evacuate the site.

18:55 A strange light is seen in the sky above VodaStone.

Sky News studio, London. Rod Hamill, News Anchor:

And we are back live as the army prepare to launch a major offensive against the zombie sheep that have held this country’s economy to ransom during the last fortnight. Over to our eye in the sky, Gemma!

Gemma Fowler:

What we are witnessing here is the mother of all superflocks! There must be literally millions of these sinister sheep tearing around VodaStone down there. It seems like every sheep in the country has massed at this historic spot. I am watching them marching relentlessly round and round the stones like…like crazed maggots squirming round the carcass of a feral dog. It is an almost hypnotic, if revolting, thing to behold, Rod. In fact, it’s all making me feel very queasy.

Sky News studio, London. Rod Hamill, News Anchor:

Are there any theories coming to light about why the sheep have assembled at this particular site, Gemma?

Gemma Fowler:

I think it’s fair to say that we are still in the dark on that. But another strange phenomenon is the noise here Rod. Even over the frankly deafening noise of the helicopter, we can hear the sheep. It’s a sound that is literally indescribable. It’s like a constant bass bleat that penetrates the skull and travels right down your body. The sight of those demonic revolving sheep and that sound is really…literally sickening….excuse me…

Sky News studio, London. Rod Hamill, News Anchor:

Oh dear. My apologies for those scenes, viewers. I guess it just goes to show that motion sickness can affect everyone, even our most talented roving reporters. Well, I think it’s time for Gemma and the crew to get out of there anyway because we are counting down to the opening salvoes in the War on Sheep, thanks to our partners at EzyTime.

18:55 Sheep continue to circle Vodastone. Army reports all residents successfully evacuated except druids, who will be categorised as collateral damage.

18:59 A strange light is seen in the sky above VodaStone.

Funny how you lot use the term “herd mentality” in a derogatory way. Surely the idea of a social group cooperating with one another is the fabric that binds society? Or to put it another way, there is no “I” in “FLOCK”. And I wonder if there can ever be a more uplifting, a more spiritual raw emotion than when you are surrounded by your kind. Coming together with real togetherness. In that last minute, the singing reached perfect resonance. The colours came back and bathed us in that golden rapture. Me and Doris gazed at each other with tears in our eyes. We came, we sang, we ascended.

19.01 No military action as yet.

19.05 Still no reports of offensive.

19.12 Unconfirmed reports that military action postponed.

22 June

The Mirror Newspaper:


Military deny use of secret superweapon as Zombie Flock disappear.

The Sun Newspaper:


Drug-addled druids only survivors of Shombie implosion.

2 thoughts on “Sheep – Part Three

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